So ive been mad busy this summer...mad busy....in an alternate route teaching program in Newark..really dont want to get into this because its very boring and lame....pretty much just want to set up the fact that ive been working very hard during the week...and as such been going extremely hard on the weekends...almost too hard....hard enough to the fact that i'm pretty much no longer invited to any parties in hunterdon county anymore because of the completely disrespectful and beligerent antics ive displayed this summer (i stress this is not an exageration) inside im actually kind of hurting because of this and "the tinman" feels terible, but...because this is the party dolphin im going to attempt to make light of it...oh and im also going to start making the outrageous claim that im no longer invited to parties in hunterdon county because im no longer considered "cool" and everyone in this area is in a "clique" that ive yet to establish myself in......so anyways in an attempt to re-establish this blog....and as i have not written since june...i give you the top five most despicable/incorrigible/regrettable incidents of summer 09.....
1) Third weekend in June: end of Miami trip with my buddies....everyones left....its just Hollywood Tans and I in the hotel room....we beasted out all day (hollywood tans appropriately partied...I was blacked out by 6 p.m)....he wakes me up at 4 am because we have to make flights...ive of course pissed myself and dont remember anything...literally the past fives days are a complete haze in my head....as he's packing I stumble into the bathroom and start chugging plastic bottles of bacardi mojito's while simeltaneously puking into the toilet...as he glances at me with a look of utter concern....i gaze back at him and smile and say "dude I just trying to feel normal"........
2) I'm in the city partying with dangerous dave....get absolutely blacked out and find myself in a dark club making out with a super fly chick with massive boobs....obviously make a wrong move and this courtship promptly ends...I quickly get into a cab and demand the cab driver take me back to "dangerous dave's" he doesnt know what I'm talking about....and asks for a specific address....i get upset and call him a racial epithet that will not be repeated...he pulls the cab over and proceeds to open his door and get out on the street...I open my door while yelling the phrase "OHHH...its on son" as I step out of the car he proceeds to throw an extremely aggressive punch right into my grill and knock me completely unconcious.....i had a terrible black eye for a week and had to consistently tell my summer schhol students at Central High in newark all week that I was "elbowed" in a basketball game...they didn't buy it....
3) I go to All Points West with two friends from my TeacherNex crew.....drink an insane amount of Vodka before the show....shit gets hazy and my friend Alise finds me two hours later completely naked (aside for black man panties) dancing frenetically in front of the stage during Vampire Weekends set. When she asks me where my clothes are (including my prized dc. marten boots) I tell her that I gave them to flying lotus (beast L.A dj) backstage. I then proceed to try to make out with numerous girls around me who aggresively push me away their faces blazing with complete disgust.....I eventually get back to my friends spot...wake up start drinking and then proceed to go to a party back in jersey celebrating two of my friends wedding (which had taken place earlier in the summer in Mexico). By the time I get there I'm so mashed I pass out in a childrens ball pitt, piss myself, and am a complete embarassment in front of grown-ups and children alike....(jenna I'm so sorry....I really plan on replacing that ball-pit)
4) Fourth of July Weekend.....party at Michelles house....go with my buddies after two solid days of boozing....at first am seriously holding it together...having a really nice time....talking to a broad from high school who I've had a crush on for years...it was going so smoothly that I really thought that I had a chance of hooking up with her (as did all my bros hanging out)...then...out of nowhere I decided to drop a knee with a half liter of grey goose vodka...after that i dont remember anything...from what I hear....i was walking around completely naked in front of new party arrivals who had never met me and were unaware of my dangerous antics...i wrestled naked with my friend petey and while he had me pinned in a Boston Crab maneuvor I pissed all over him...and I ended up passed out completely naked in Michelles pool house bathrrom...this happened so early that I arose fresh and ready to go around 4 and at time me petey and clinton terrorized Michelles house for hours searching for Blake...beacuse "he had it coming to him"
5) Cape May two weekends ago...having a nice family weekend...both my brothers were in town...my aunt and cousins were staying down the street...started drinking with my bro's early...had a great barbeque at my house...around 10p.m me and the tanman called for a cab to take us to the bars of cape may...the tanman had some broads who he had to settle the score with from college....already mashed and having a great time we went to the ugly mug (cape may hotspot) and met up with these young, blond, fashionistas. I remember throwing my card down and saying "fuck it...its shooters night" after that just picture in your head a montage of absolute debauchery in slow motion with the Nine Inch Nails version of "Hurt" playing in the background....it goes with out saying I blacked out completely...the tanman made it back to my beach house at 4 a.m and was incoherent...when my mom woke up and asked where I was he had no response....needless to say both my parents went on a latenight manhunt trying to track me down....my dad eventually found me at 6 am on cape may point beach...blacked out...jeans soaking with piss...he looked me in the eyes and said "Patrick, you really have a problem"...to which I replied, "Dad, getting laid on the beach is not a problem"
Again...let me stress that I'm trying to infuse humour into these extremely dark situations that have happened this summer...none of this was really funny....and i really feel absolutely terrible about each and everyone of these events.....i guess this is a cathartic attempt to explain to everyone why I have not been posting this summer....i just accepted a job as a fourth grade teacher at a high school in Newark and have been going to AA meeting on the reg...although I can say it was a great summer..I can also say it's one that I'm not proud of....don't get worried...the party dolphin is back and as focused as ever...just wanted to make a humourous and exaggerated attempt at explaining myself....
1 comments:
The 21st century archetype of virility? Quite possibly.
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