the party dolphin

Cruising around the country....Blasting Earth to Andy

2011-06-14T18:32:00.000-07:00

Via Facebook - Tom Schafer status update- "when the power of love overcomes the love of power, the world will know peace - Jimi Hendrix

Was Tom attempting to reignite the party dolphin with this quote?....sounds like he's coming to some pretty profound revelations in vegas. Some background on Tom...he's gone "all in," playing for "high stakes" in Vegas. He's become the incredible herb that you watch on CNN in the sunglasses and black hat, sitting at the table, getting his close-up. Hands folded, thinking bout the future. Not drinking, but maybe a little high ...desperately thinking about meaningful quotes that will get him to that last table.... Honestly, he took the time to look this quote up and make it his status update...so unbelievably herb...."the power of love"....I can just envision him in his incredibly wack t-shirt with that ben franklin quote about beer, feeling "real chill" on the beach, system of a down's third album blasting in the background, just taking a break, letting his carpool tunnel syndrome "heal" a bit, thinking that this quote was relevant enough for him to post.....after vegas him and dangerous dave are taking a "road trip" across America back to New Jersey. Tom called me about finding out the best places to "party" on the way back. In reality I think their going to be playing Earth to Andy and seeing how many historic baseball stadiums they can hit up.

quiet storm

2010-03-26T23:36:00.000-07:00

been playing basketball lately...coaching to be specific....but have built myself up to the point where im balling with these bros....running...hard everyday....bodying them....going hard for rebounds...putting my knee into backs....throwing elbows....posting up.....shooting tschaffer threes...shooting way more accurate j hardcastle jump shots...

"but Mr. Thompson was throwing elbows"
"I'm sorry but did you just open your mouth pussy"

I decided to start coaching back in september...a group of friends had a "summer league" team in washington township(really dont have to go in to how geographically embarassing this is)....all white team...majority of the players on the team have "abs." They have been coined "team baywatch" by the majority of >"urban" teams they face in competition. They dont talk trash, dont play dirty, and are generally very respectful to their competitors. They play a fast paced game. Lot's of quick passing, trying to find the open man. When someone makes a mistake, everyones generally positive: cheering on the person who just completely fucked up the play. They all wear appropraite length navy blue shorts and jerseys; noone too concerned with sneakers or what number their rocking that day. Of the times I've witnesed them play it's been overwhelmingly clear that every individual suiting up that day was stone-cold sober.....these are guys that take NCAA pools way to seriously..who go to New York Giant home games....who watch "the apprentice", ...who cool out after a tough game by listening to MGMT "Time to Pretend"......guys with girlfriends....jobs.....summer love.......worries about D.U.I's.....self respect......"keeping their parents house in order".....legitimate tans.....their next trip to puerto rico.....

It was generally ultra embarassing to witness.......

Well, like I said I've got my game in order.....and am organizing an extremely rugged, rag_tag team to take these bitches to the floor......first off our collective uniform will be "Latrell Sprewell golden state warrior jerseys"....everyone will wear one on the team....it will invoke fear and confidence>>>>every team we play will know in their hearts that if they get up by more than ten points.....their team will sustain serioulsy reackless?belligerent injuries...the line_up...everyone on this team will have a genuine and articulate reason on why "The Wire" is complete bullshit....
Timemachine - Im gaurding TScafer_no if ands or buts about it>>>>Im bigger than that pussy and by this point will make his game look booty.....I'm seriously going for1.000 points in one summer league season.
SRichardson- Will be my driver for the duration of the season....even with a DUI im sure weeks will be able to convince him to keep driving for the duration of the summer...will be also enticed by the hoes that slash 2 brings arounf (see below)....
Dave from the gas station- His double handed dribble is hard to match...plus his fluroescent green work vest will be very distracting
SLASH 2- this dude does not play....he knows defenense tooo.....will also be able too through out an obscene amount of racial epithets specifically targeted toward Anwar to throw off his game....plus all the hoes who "makes come to the games or else" will be amazing...I'm convinced he'll be a fan favorite.....
D"H- dude will have to ice his knees hard>>>but once that shits iced up he will make grare look like a totaL PUSSY in the post.......he doesnt play on so many levels and im convinced that we'll be taking care of business with so many disgruntled athletes after every game....but thats what this team is all about..........
I've been sizing these herbs up and shits seriously on....im ready to go super hard.....lets see what does down

I dont get drunk....i get nice

2010-02-25T19:29:00.000-08:00

my radio show back in the day had this segment where we would read the most despicable IM profiles we could find over really passionate instrumental music....it was so amazing and makes me miss my show...listening to it right now and it was sooo ahead of its time...we would have had such a ball with facebook....
because of unbelievably herb status updates like this ..."One of my students today said, "I don't know if you know the answer to this, but why do bad things happen to good people?" and unbelievably beast status like this, "Getting my haircut for Cancun 2010 @ a Japanese hair salon."...Stephan lets get this going again in some format please....

let me preface this by asking you to put the black eyed peas song (b.e.p) "tonights gonna be a good night" on full blast....in your head i need a mental image of knee dropping at an extremely inappropriate time during the day juxtaposed with one of those extremely annoying nights when i talked your ear off for hours...this is the first post in months....and "ive got a feeling" that its going to be way more reflective than despicable....but believe me the despicable will come..... its been awhile friends but im back...i spent some time reading old posts last night ...and the thing is...that shit is soooo fucking dark....i love dark....but i guess ive been in a somewhat good place as of late so its been hard to be dark...but you know as well as I do that I can change that vibe on the drop of a dime..the reason for my long absense...ive been crazy busy....in september i started teaching 4th grade in Newark and its been unbelievably time consuming but in the past couple months ive run into so many people who have asked for more post and ive really ready to deliver again....i really appreciate the love and writing this shit can be such a relief that I need it again....so first off...teaching...wow...so many stories...I love what I'm doing and I'm really into it...but I guess the best/most ironic/funniest aspect of my job is the "tinman" persona...ya'll know the timemachine but only those who know me during the day-time know the tinman...awkward/off-putting/ arrogant.....I really feel like so many people I work with think to themselves "who does this snob think he is".....but I'm really trying (hard) to make the tinman more likeable (quite possibly the gayest thing I've ever written)....im going to repost this post that I took off describing last summer...its mad despicable but true and funny and youll be able to read it below.....anyways....some funny moments since we last spoke.....first week of school students asking who that "tall light-skinned teacher is"...I had to explain to them that I'm white but just really tan and that I tan because it accentuates my muscles...driving students to a nets game me constantly blowing into my interlock device on the way there....had to explain to them that its an I.D device put into my car so that it doesnt get stolen....In october I went to the treasure isalnd festival and saw the streets....nothing really comical about this except for the fact that I dont remember the night at all but knowthat multiple people have called my older brothers cell phone to see if "im alright" and to tell him that the party dolphin rules...had like this really awkward morning at school when i overdid it in the tanning salon the night before and multiple people asked me if i was getting sick because my face was so red....had one of the most memorable Halloweens of all time....on friday went out in Hoboken dressed as Edward Scissorhands....by Sunday woke up in brookly wearing man panties with a black eye, no clothes, and a fractured wrist..all I remeber is muscle matt amazingly sliding down this bannister and cracking his head...speaking of wrists....Tom has carpol tunnel syndrome from playing too much poker...havent seen him since the cowboys got knocked out of the playoffs...I think him and john hardcastle went to costa rica together for valentines day....been spending mad time with d money bags....spencer claims that hes seen him shirtless getting the mail out in front of my house at 3am on multiple nights...so respectable....we plan on adopting a baby....raise them in an abusive and loveless environment...and train them to compete in pageants....sitting in the back furiously smoking cigareetes in gucci suits...."she really doesnt know how to properly work that vaseline smile"....fuck....whose fault is it?...spencer's.....from what I hear David Weeks is entirely to blame for his DUI...i believe it...Earth to Andy blasting in the car...David demanding that Spencer drive faster...last but not least Tanman...he's gotten so awesome that its difficult to write about at this point...mullet/bullcut/girls/nursing students....trips to penn state...white jean shorts in winter...chillin with that puerto rican dude from real world dc...going on like mad ski trips and not skiing....wearing wife beaters underneath encrusted blazers...dating 35 year old women who he meets at gay clubs...the list goes on and on....as I write this I'm awaiting confirmation on a flight tommorow to Cancun....an ultimate vacation with the Tanman..."i have a feeling"...that this trip will bring this blog back to life....

kasai/paul/dennis .... im well aware that this was one of the wackest things ive ever written ....next post after c-cun...going into detail about the baltimore weekend....waiting in burgerking parking lot...me ruing kasai's relationship with that pat/dave-hot girl/ kasai stealing my jacket/ me puking in the jeep and not cleaning it up for two weeks

Dude....hooking up with chicks is sooooooo gay!

2009-06-24T06:45:00.000-07:00

By this point we had established one fundamental rule for the trip: hooking up with girls was not only discouraged, it was absolutely frowned upon. We had come to this essential decree after about three days of vacation with not a single girl interaction. This can be blamed entirely on the fact that we were all unconciously drunk by 8pm (editors note..this fact stands way more true for the author of this piece than the other participants in the trip). So there we were at the Century Hotel, four o' clock in the morning, waiting for the arrival of Creatine Cliff and Hollywood Tans, two of the more hunky and sexually deceitful members of our crew. Rumour has it that they were last seen leaving the bar with two large-chested German exchange students. Both girls were apparently both wearing the all-telling 1980's irrestible spring break get-up; pink high-cut bikini's with high heels. "This is fucking bullshit" I say while frenetically rubbing tanning oil all over my incredible sun burnt chest, "put some Zander on I need to chill out." "I knew they were gay....but never this gay," Peter exclaimed while marching around the room arching his back and doing the Randy the Ram elbow tap. About an hour later Creatine Cliff and Hollywood Tans entered the room. Both of their faces covered in what looked like Indian war-paint fashioned out of a red substance that appeared to be blood. They were both passing a bottle of ripped fuel back and forth taking turns chugging vigourously. They explained that they had gone skinning dipping with these girls but that "nothing had really happened." "Good!," Bill Bailey shouted aggresivvely from across the room, while Jay intoned, "you guys got seriously lucky." Later in the trip our paience was really tested when Hollywood Tans and I were awoken to Tom and his girlfriend Sam having rigourous sex in the bed next to us. They did'nt stop even after I turned around and propped up on one elbow too watch. Tom just gave me the middle finger and Sam exclaimed in a gruff voice go back to bed pussy. I was kept awake until about 6am to the rough and loud sounds of skin slapping skin....and the sound of Tom's pillow-muffled tears after he had apparently climaxed.

Fan Mail

2009-06-11T18:25:00.000-07:00

Got this great piece of fan-mail the other day.....

"I really don't think anything is amusing/cool about the way you "party". Quite frankly, it makes me sad. I say this from my heart and don't mean to sound judgemental beacuse, as you know, I am no saint myself. However, this is my peace.
I would appreciate it if you didn't call me randomly during your benders. Its distracting and unhealthy. Be well.- "

word to the wise..if you don't find my "partying" amusing...then don't read this blog...because im extremely shallow and that's pretty much all I write about..that and tanning...and weightlifting

...can't let the haters distract me yo...

some up-dates: ive been in the gym mad amounts lately....blasting uncontrollable amounts of Pantera...when im lifting i get this image in my mind of me on stage fronting the band...i constantly picture my-self looking out into the crowd with like this cold un-shakable stare...then in slow motion like spitting a long stream of water out of my mouth with my head slightly arched.

I hung out with this dude jose last weekend who is already a pretty big legend around Brooklyn....rumour has it that at one point he had a bloody nose for like an entire year straight...no stops....just constantly had to hold a rag up to that shit...

I missed my friend Bugsby birthday party....but if facebook is any indicator...it was a fucking blast...

I just got a new job teaching in Newark...

Game-Day

2009-06-02T18:09:00.000-07:00

On a beautiful Sunday morning last summer...on the tail-end of an absolutely horrendous bender my friend Tom "under armour" schafer showed his true colors...the night before i had gotten into an altercation with a middle aged man who became infuriated after I started seductively pointing towards and making explicit pelvic thrusts at his wife from across the bar...while being ushered out its been established that I said something along the lines of "so what are you going to do about it George Costenza.." a reference to his balding middle-aged appearance...I woke up the next morning on a floor in Tom's girlfriends bedroom...no shirt...no underwear... wearing a pair of abercrombie khaki's that had absolutely terrible grass stains all over the knees...the pants were unbuttoned and the fly was down...i was sleeping on my back and upon waking I realized that my entire khrom was exposed...as i was getting myself together i was greeted by nervous whispered dialouge coming from the bed next to me...Tom and his girlfriend were waking up...their hushed discussion made me feel very anxious ...they clearly had'nt found my behavior the night before funny..they were uneasy about my antics...Tom slipped on his over-sized blue New York Giants Jersey over top of a red skin-tight long sleeved under armour shirt as he walked me into the kitchen..over the under-armour underneath the jersey he was wearing those long inexplicable arm-sleeves that Labron James and Allan Iverson wear on the court..the outfit was topped off with a blue Giants visor....i believe his intention was to have a "talk" with me...an absolutely herb lecture was obviously being cooked up in his head..I'm pretty sure he was about to say something along the lines of

"hey man....you really should think about maybe taking one of these weekends off"..this isnt really funny anymore"...

before he could speak...still shirtless...grass-stained khaki's hanging loose off my incredibly tanned physique..i threw open the refrigerator door and quickly grasped a coors light..i immediately dropped to my knee...my left arm shot up in the air..I was ready to tackle my hangover the best way I knew how..but before i could drink Tom grabbed my arm and forcibly brought me back up to a standing position..as he pulled me up I could feel that his arm was trembling...his eyes were watery...he looked like he needed a hug...in a quivering almost high pitched voice Tom explained (while staring at the floor) that I had really "sketched" "the girls" out last night"...and pretty much explained to me that I was never allowed back at his girlfriends apartment...he took the beer from hand and put it back in the fridge while explaining that "the beer (consisting of a mere twelve pack)" was for the Giants pre-season game that he and his girlfriend were attending that after-noon...and that it was really special because he had surprised her with tickets.. they were going to wait around in the parking lot after the game and hopefully get eli manning to sign their under-armour...i gathered my shit and marched out...disgusted and dismayed...i have since not been back to his girlfriends apartment

Staring at the Sun

2009-05-26T13:46:00.000-07:00

...im shirtless...with like a mind-bendingly bad sunburn...peeling..the kind of sunburn thats marked by extreme negligence and generally acquired only by someone who really does a poor job at taking care of themselves..like the kind of burn that really white, really out of shape, really obnoxious guy on your cancun spring break trip during the summer of 1994 got during his first couple of days in Mexico...you remember the guy..who always wore that all white Kentucky Wildcats baseball cap..the kid with the alcohol allergy who would turn bright red whenever he got wasted but still kept pushing through...remember him....that last night of the trip he drank too many hurricanes and cornered you in the hotel bathroom and while slurring his speech and audibly breathing asked you in a painful whisper..."hey...how big are you..."?

Right now im wearing my kansas city chief's zubas...their pretty badly stained with dip spit and other mysterious debris accumulated throughout the course of memorial day weekend...im rocking my extradoinarily dirty...worn in...once-white....reebok pumps...im currently involved in a high stakes tanning competition with Hollywood Tans...being at the beach, i figured this weekend would be a great opportunity to "up the ante"...presumably i ended up going way overboard and am currently dealing with some intense pain...im kind of coming to the conclusion that I'm taking this competition way too seriously...it's gonna be tough to beat the tanman and his constantly golden sheen...i really did myself in on Sunday...which it being a bit over-cast i realized the only way i was going to make any true progress was by hitting the North Cape May tanning saloon...quite possibly one of the shadiest tanning establishments i've ever been too....instead of selling individualized packets of tanning lotion they just had these huge communal 3 liter bottles of oil and for 3 dollars they would pour a big goop into your hands before entering the booth...the entire place was adorned with corona light and mikes hard lemonade cut-aways and in my booth there was a framed World Cup 1994 poster... miami sound machine's "dr. beat," was blasting through some really shitty speakers...lets just say that this was a terrible idea and im really suffering right now...many more blogs to come this week

The anatomy of a serious fucking blackout

2009-04-24T20:18:00.000-07:00

so Hollywood Tans and I met up at my cousins wedding down the shore last weekend....i showed up to the coctail hour late after a crushing lacrosse defeat by the Hun school of Princeton....dejected and upset...i was clearly ready to party...the tanman greeted me in a finely tailored suit and a fashion mullet that closely resembled alot of the cuts that I remember seeing on la Rambla in Barcelona circa 2005..for the reception dinner we were seated a table with six other single under 30 females..these girls wore beautiful blue dresses...all hair dressers..all super-fly...it goes without saying.... shit was on...since i was late for the coctail hour...during dinner i attempted to "catch up"....the tanman and I just started raging doctor pepper shots throughout the meal...quietly yet emphatically moving from a sitting position to a knee....looks of heroic resolve on our grils as we knee-dropped shot after shot...all the while the sun was still up...we kept checking our watches...knowing that we had an awfully long night ahead of us...i remember the tanman trying to break the ice with the line, "yo so have you guys been watching the new real world/road rules challenge"....i remember being extremely proud....i remember going up to the dj and demanding that he play zombie nation and possibly some morrissey...i then remember that turning into me demanding the dj play a morrissy/zombie nation mash-up....i remember hollywood tans telling me how he has been banging the broad who works behind the desk at the tanning salon he frequents....i remember almost losing my mind with pride at that point....i also remember me and hollywood tans deciding that were going to have a tan-off....a competiton...to see who can get "tanner"....the competiton will be judged when we land in key west for a week long vacation at the end of june...we decided that were going all out...and were both prob gonna take 10 years off of our lives in the process...but god-damn..were gonna be fuckin tan...and ripped...we decided this vacation's gonna be all about body oil...and just chillin with our most ripped budddies...my last memory is being at the "after party" at yet another open bar...that i somehow managed to spend 120 bills at....i remember dropping knees...shirtless....non-chalantly dipping in front of all my relatives....the next thing i remember is waking up in my parents hotel room (the tanman and i had our own room)...sleeping on their couch in all my clothes...8 a.m....they were waking up planning to go get breakfast...they said nothing to me as they left the room and I quickly hustled back to the tanman's room....he also severely blacked out and also had no memory of the previous night...although he vaguely remembers a naked chick being in his bed...and he's fairly certain my mom came into the room (prob to drop me off) at one point and saw him in the act.......who knows...my parents still haven't said anything to me about the night.....and since they were'nt at the after-party I'm sure the events leading up to me somehow getting into their room are incredibly despicable...i talked to the tan-man last night on the phone and both of us are still terrified about talking to members of our extended family who were at the after-party...both of us horrified at the possibility of the problems we may have caused.....

shes the last of the english roses

2009-03-28T17:55:00.000-07:00

I went to the gym early this morning...9am on a saturday...a very rare occasion for me..i had a lax scimmage at 11 am so i intentioanlly didnt ruin myself on friday night...i arrived wearing a yellow t-shirt with the sleeves cut-off...revealing my forever blooming biceps...these biceps matched with all the fake-tanning ive been doing has really come full-circle...at healthquest i have become not only a "prescence" but a powerful force...someone who defiently evokes in others minds the all telling expression of "what is this guys story."...i immediately headed for the treadmills....gonna get my cardio on before i give my chest an absolutely punishing workout..i sync my ipod up to this nasty workout mix ive got going....song 1...dmx "intro"....whenever i hear this song i get this video playing in my head.....real grainy black and white footage...shot in a dark warehouse...kasai and I beasting out horrendously....doing yay and lifting weights off of a rusty bench...slow motion....pushing mad weight....gianna michaels and austin kincaid in lingerie in the background (not trashy pornstar lingerie..but like Victorian era shit to go along with the black and white motif)....kasai and I totally ignoring them...until at one point gianna says something real smart and Kasai immediately quiets her with a fierce back-hand..done with disturbing non-chalance..the camera pans to my face...i flash him a look that conveys nothing but absolute understanding...anyways..i jump on the treadmill and start going at it...to the immediate right of me is a woman i immediately recognize...prob about 45....banging body....the body that a 45 year old woman can acquire only from obsessive workouts...workouts not facillated by vanity or fear of aging....but workouts pushed by absolutely boredom and frustration...workouts stemming from the concept of replacing one horrific self-destructive addiction with a more healthy, productive one....this woman I had obviously met before... at an A.A meeting...her name escapes me...but I had seen her often at the flemington wednesday night meeting...my first introduction to her was at a speaker meeting where for an excruciatingly painful hour see told her tale....which was honestly one of the most beast/horrendous/tragic things ive ever heard....to put it plainly this once beautiful, promising college sports star had lost it all to a love for crack and alcohol that even i find hard to comprehend....as I was running she without a doubt noticed me...although her body is the shit...her face reflexs what shes been through....her body looks like shes 25...her face 55....i just have this awesome visual of a close-up video time lapse photography style on her face... billows of crack-smoke gently drifting up her once beautiful visage... smoke slowly and romantically drifting upwards....from her lips to her once beautiful eyes....for decades....slowly turning it into what it looks like now...while running she casts me a quick glance....a glance of sheer approval....to her it looks as if I've gotten my act together...those meetings have really paid off...im saved....im alright...on the right path....at the gym....as our eyes met the ironic nature of this exchange just really struck a chord with me....if only this woman had seen the horrors of the past few months.......the utter lack of sleep...the weekend i forgot to feed my cat...that goddamn senor frogs tank top that I just never seem to take off...that guy behind the 7-11 who im still ashamed to talk about...the number of times ive been on the absolute brink of ripping the interlock device out of my car...the night I went bowling with the bartender at the local strip club who looks so much like slash that we call him Slash II (behind his back of course)...our eyes only locked for a brief second though and the moment soon passed....i slowly curled my arm into a bicep while still running at a good pace on the treadmill...examining the shape...the progress..i need to start using a higher grade bronzer.....i looked into the mirror and examined the faces of the people on the treadmills behind me...

would this be bad

2009-02-19T18:25:00.001-08:00

For all my law school applications i have to write a personal statement...a cute little summary of my life and what led me to want to study the law.....I've been spending hours..hunched over in front of my keyboard....crumbled up pieces of paper all around me...shirtless...sweating...occationally getting up from the keyboard to do pushups (jerry maguire style)...After starting and stopping hundreds of super herb entries involving basketball, competing in the junior olympics in 7th grade, working with special ed kids, "coaching," and other really embarassing pathetic shit.. I finally realized I was attempting to tackle this the completely wrong way...why not just lie...so far my story involves me contracting H.I.V my freshman year of college..not sure if it was from gay sex or intravenous drugs...the only thing im sure about was it happened at that infamous club night buzz...super shady rave that got shut down by the feds...after watching that movie Philadelphia I became so inspired by Tom Hanks performance that I decided to pursue a law degree. Would this work? How could they deny me? ....what other details should I include? How can I someone involve Rick Ross in this personal statement....when I flesh everything out I'll def post it...

also I'm def gonna try to convince Tom's girlfriend that I have Aid's and than make this my permanent facebook picture....

what really did happen that night???

I'm getting too old for this shit

2009-02-03T16:24:00.000-08:00

Im starting a new t-shirt company....slash/ross....its pretty much based around Slash and Rick Ross living together with Bart Simpson in Cancun during the mid 90's....in the shirts all characters will be "simpsonized," and mixed up in high velocity capers involving guns/gold....and plenty of "babes," (highly intoxicated, grade A pussy if u catch my drift)....alot of the situations/quotes will be stolen directly from the lethal weapon movies...with Slash and Rick assuming the roles of Mel Gibson and Danny Glover...also there will be an on-going theme of Bart Simpson going "under-cover," to catch Osama Bin Laden and various terrorists...the first shirt is going to be based on this picture above...just replace the rainy street corner with a sunny Cancun beach...tons of spring break "partying" in the background...and Bart Simpson driving Rick Ross's speedboat onto the beach....shit just got real...

blood runs thicker than jaeger bombs

2009-01-24T19:12:00.000-08:00

I went on a ridiculous bender last week..like unbearably ridiculous scary...wes craven scary...fear street scary ...my parents went to prague for the week...and i literally prob drank 300 U.S dollars worth of jaegermesiter...alone...with occasional guests...at my house...yes...it was terrible...frightening....i couldnt even work up the energy to get off my couch..let alone blog...it got to ron wood/slash/artie lange levels of atrocity....i only went out once...and yes...that one night was like animal collective level magical..yeah i said it...ANIMAL COLLECTIVE level magical....the unbearable depression/repercussions of that week are still making waves in my conscience right now... ....but im quickly getting my act together....getting healthy again....actually making music again...my new project....MENS HEALTH...check it out....in the very early stages...but i think theres a super ill vibe going on...ive been lifting/running/tanning/wearing "cute" outfits( reebok pumps/skinny jeans/cardigans/flannel shirts from H/M/...all spiced up with an ironic Delta Tau Delta T-shirt)....Kazoo turned me on to the new Justice DVD,,,,which needs to be watched...will completely restore your faith in electronic music/french people....and the way they beast out as a collective culture....im gonna start posting again everyday..and ive got some gems...i just need some time...for tonight let me leave you with this....

Tome Schafer's new nickname- Martin Luther Schafer

Text message correspondence I just had with Kazoo

Kazoo- There is no difference between children and angels
Patrick- whats going on bro...
Kazoo- are u beasting out right now?
Patrick- No dude...im taking it easy
Kazoo- Then I want nothing to do with you...
Patrick-Thats actually super respectable dude...it actually makes alot of sense
Kazoo- Im totally gonna fuck this pat chick in the ass tonight
Patrick- I KNOW U HAVE IT IN YOU!!!!

so on that note listen to my song ... www.myspace.com/men39shealth ...feel the vibe...give me feedback..

Rick Ross tribute band

2009-01-08T20:14:00.000-08:00

Me and my boy Barry Hydro saw this rick ross tribute band (at least im pretty sure it was a rick ross tribute band) a couple weeks ago in philly....shit was raw....lots of gold...lots of aggression...the keyboard player was the most vital aspect of the band...he was white....about 40 years old...huge muscles...bleached blond hair...bright blue eyes....wearing an oversized Pittsburgh Steelers Jersey, bicycle shorts and doc martens..I think the jersey was for that guy the fridge..that huge black dude who was good at tackling or whatever....basically...shit got real....shit got really real...

Ive been trying to get back into guitar lately...actually like "practicing" alot...in all my years as a guitar player ive really never "practiced" (much to Sandra Blecks chagrin)....but for the past two weeks ive been just chillin on my couch..wearing my Charlotte Hornets basketball shorts from fourth grade...getting absolutely shitfaced off of box-wined and attempting to learn "Appetite for Destruction"...the entire album note for note...on my acoustic guitar...obviously this will take some time...especially while exclusively employing the acoustic....but it's a real serious endeavor of mine..at this point I can absolutely beast the intro to "sweet child of mine"...which is no small task let me assure you....eventually I want to get to the point where the Rick Ross tribute band is so impressed by my skills that they ask me to join the band...let me wear gold on stage....a gold chain around my neck...it's piece...it's main emblem..... a digital scale dipped in gold....this rick ross shit gets me so fucking amped....

Mexican grade steroids

2008-12-28T21:21:00.001-08:00

That post below was Act I of a five act play I wrote for my parent's Christmas Eve party. Every year since I can remember my family has celebrated Christmas Eve with another family who have children of comparable ages to me and my brothers. When we were all really little we would always insist on putting on a "christmas show." As children we would either lip synching to extremely lame christmas songs or do really wack skits involving like the grinch and what not. This tradition has carried on for twenty years....although in recent years the show has just manifested itself into me writing an absolutely beast/highly inapporpriate play for all the now old children to put on. This year I really...i mean REALLY out-did myself. Mr. Christmas is arguabbly one of the greatest things ive ever created. It's basically a "take no prisoners" tale about a Christmas body building competition sponsored by Gold's Gym taking place in South Jersey during the early to mid 90's. Darrel Sonic is a down on his luck dreamer who will stop at nothing to win the competiton. He loses his girl and his sanity to five time undefeated champion Barry Hydro. It's not until a very special guest introduces him to some high grade Mexican steroids that he soon realizes his dreams can and will become a reality. The performance of this play on Christmas Eve was one of the most magical things I've ever witnessed...Hollywood Tans played Darrell...and truly gave the performance of a lifetime...during the intense training sequence...while Guns N'Roses "better" was blasting in my living room...he did push ups, squat thrusts..and maniacally jogged in place..all while rubbing an immensely healthy amount of bronzer all over his body...much to the chagrin of my absolutely shocked parents and family friends who were witnessing this spectacle first hand..Dennis played the character of Barry Hydro with intensity and emotion...perfectly portaying an ageing champion....hell-bent on keeping his title...Gwen rounded out the other leading role as Crystal...Darrell's girlfriend....with blood that was quicly turning to ice...but a heart that really wanted to see her boy pre-vail.....this performance without a doubt was one of the top five most enchanting things to ever take place in my house and absolutely re-stored my faith in the holiday season...

Mr. Christmas

2008-12-24T09:44:00.001-08:00

Act 1 – (Daryll lifting weights by himself…crystal walks in)

Crystal- Baby…we need to talk.

Daryll- If its about that whole Pokemon thing…I told you theres nothing to discuss…those fuckin kids knew they were bootleg.

Crystal- No Daryll…its about everything else. You know I’ve been wanting a baby and with the amount of steroids you put into your body you know that’s never going to happen…your keep chasing this Mr. Christmas dream…but baby your wasting your time. Barry Hydro’s won the contest for the past 5 years….he does it the right way to….he knows something about taking the proper supplemants….none of this horse tranquilizer shit that your on…..

Daryll- Jesus!!!...im just trying my best to perform….trying to push it to the limit….eliminate fear….second place is the first loser…..and baby you know that….you fuckin know that….

Crystal- It’s not just this silly contest….its you getting caught up in that whole ecstasy scandal at the high school….its you getting busted drinking at the public library…..i can’t take anymore of this…Daryll Im officially leaving you…(walks out)

Daryll- (stands up…begins to rub moisturizer all over his naked torso)- A dream is a man’s only possession…and all my dreams lately have involved West Palm Beach…Spring Break….and hyper-color tank-tops….I’ll show them….the “Gold’s Gym” Mr. Christmas contest means the world to me….Ive been working all year for this…ive spent over 5,000 at the tanning salon alone...I gonna win it this year and win Crystal’s heart back….

Timemachine Winter Diary (Part 1)...Courtship Dating

2008-12-18T20:10:00.000-08:00

ive been contemplating asking this one waitress at cracker barrel out on a date but i just really dont know how to approach it...whenever im there im REALLY in the shy zone....and even though i know we've got like this serious unspoken vibe going on im just finding it really hard to build up the courage....i just really need to dig deep....reach way down into my heart and go for IT!!!..just really GO FOR IT....you know....just put it all out there...put all apprehensions aside and really stive to become the kind of guy that I REALLY want to be...NOBODY said this would be easy!!...but really nobody said it would be so hard ..like sometimes we'll pass in the restaurant and she'll be like "whats up," and I'll get kind of nervous and say "hellooo," but in this really sketchy, anxious, almost feminine tone....

Beast of the Week

2008-12-17T12:49:00.000-08:00

My house line started ringing at 3 a.m on Friday night/early Sat morning....my mom picked up the phone frozen in absolute terror..assuming the worst..thinking that one of her children was possibly dead or in trouble..no one was on the line but the call had come from Hollywood Tan's cell phone..his excuse the next morning was that he was grinding up with a girl so hard in the club that she accidentally set off his cell phone...he actually told my mom this..i can just picture him..perfectly tanned....fucking wrecked on jager bombs...black button down shirt...prob 4 or 5 button's down...his chest glistening in the throbbing disco lights..absolutely man-handling some mad hot broad..a really grimy rick ross tune blasting.....what a fuckin beast..were planning on going to rio over spring break..shits gonna get live..

In many ways.. I'll the miss the good old days

2008-12-05T21:28:00.000-08:00

After 8 long months I finally get my license back tommorow.. It's really amazing that this is over. I feel like this should almost be like a high school commencement speech. Caps...gowns...akwardness...tears...and all...there almost needs to be like some kind of dry, super herb project graduation bash that goes down tommorow night. It's really bittersweet... I'm headed to new places but I'll always remember and miss the place I just was at. I feel like Morgan Freeman in Shawshank Redemption....I've become institutionalized...im complacent with not driving...everyones been so great about driving me around that not driving has been ridiculously working for me....its an unbelievably selfish stance....but im a stupid,selfish brat. Ive never been a skilled driver. Never cared about cars or speed or "systems." Cars and driving have always been an inconvenient necessity for me because of my geography. You absolutely need a car to be productive where I live. It's kinda like L.A. haha... I'm honestly scared of it coming back into my life. I pretty much no longer have an excuse to get absolutely beliggereant every time I drink. In many ways this lull in my ability to operate a vehicle has really just driven my alcoholism to new and absurd heights. I use to drive drunk like a motherfucker. I never pondered the repurcussions of a dui. And because of my old habits ive been absolutely terrified about getting my license back. I dont trust myself when I'm drinking....and anyone whose ever partied with me extensively can understand this....but...an incredibly key...and important factor in this equation was really put together tonight...prob the only people who REALLY...like REALLY...dont trust me are my parents..my benefactors....if it wasnt for them i would be sleeping on the street tonight....
I had dinner with my dad tonight and he suggested I install a breathalyzer interlocking system in my new car....he's willing to split the cost with me...and im in.....I really do not want to relive the misery of the past couple months again...and besides from going 100 percent sober (which wont realistically occur for another 5 years)this is the only way to ensure that this horrific event will not happen again...im all about it...its a sad twist.. but it works....and i think its a fantastic idea.....p.s...the new gravedigger (need to come up with a creative name)...same model same car...just newer with power everything..electic blue color (a stylistic up-grade for the myspace generation)...it awaits in my driveway....soon to be littered with full dip bottles... sweaty wrestling boots...passports....rollerskates....varsity jackets..beer bongs..condoms...scratched van halen cd's...old rusty musical instruments..big johnson t-shirts...spencers gifts coupons...and unpaid parking tickets....

Raw is War 09

2008-12-03T18:36:00.000-08:00

After a hard to explain and very bizarre turn of events i am now a member of the highs school wrestling team staff....yes ...i am now considered a wrestling coach...6'5...very awkward on my feet...never wrestled a day in my life..my only experience is i used to watch a ton of Monday Night Raw back in the day..I used to get so fucking pumped when the undertaker would come out....that like death bell shit...fuck yea... coming out with paul bearer and shit damnnn....haha..
...im currently shopping the internet for a size 14 pair of wrestling boots..tommorows my first official practice.ive been watching mad wwf entrance clips on youtube just to get pumped..i think my vibe with the other coaches needs to be based around me constantly asking them when were gonna bring the "cage" out, and is this a "coffin match," constantly ask the players who their "managers" are... I fully expect muscle matt and brian to make guest appearanes and give some rather moving yet extremely disturbing pep talks to these students..filled with constant references and allusions to wrestlemania XI....when Lawrence Taylor defeated BamBam Bigalo for the title.. .i just ordered a Mick Foley t-shirt off of ebay...and that shit's not coming off until february..that and my kansas city chiefs zuba's........since my introduction to the basketball team didnt work out as planned I need to start fresh...start studying gold dust and his ridiculous antics...im thinking i bring back the fog machines.....get some insane clown posse bumping.. ..barbed wire..liquid gold...an extremely shady power outage...that involves circuit's breaking with like mad sparks flying everywhere... me unleashing a rabid animal into the wrestling room....im also plan on bringing back those Austin 3:16 chants...

If I were you, I'd manage to avoid the invitation

2008-11-28T20:37:00.000-08:00

buckethead......chinese democracy....this dude ....4 real is the reason that the new album is so sick......so much shreddding it's almost overpowering....makes me want to do pushups for like hours on end.....

def been causing some slight/severe problems as of late..i dont remember wednesday...an important night....and i really remember nothing besides the fact that I pisssed myself in my bed at my parents house....woke up at 5 am....extremely cold....wearing all my clothes from the night before....realized the coldness was a direct result of the puddle of urine I was sleeping in....things have def got to change if I want to seriously embarq on this journey of being a real adult....last night at thanksgiving dinner when everyone at the table had to confess something they were thankful for in 2008....the only thing I could come up with was the fact that guns n roses had finally realeased Chinese Democracy after 13 years of waiting...I'm really not kidding....everyone at the table was thoroughly disturbed...but anyways..tonight me and the tanman rocked out a karaoke version of the savage garden song "truly,madly,deeply" at mountainview.....it was magical and heartfelt...Im the varsity assistant coach at Voorhees high school now...a new title..I had a grandiose concept of how I would introduce myself to the team..I was planning on setting a weightbench up in the locker room....fog machines blazing so hard it would be difficult to see......me doing shirt-less bench presses while chinese democracy blared amidst a ridiculous over-powering cloud of fog..at 11:00am no less....but alass...that didnt happen this morning...they met the shy..awkward....extremely uncomfortable sober patrick....and who would want anything to do with that herb....

Im terrible...and an asshole.....with no allegiance/morals.....im a local rodney king...i need cops to severly beat my ass

2008-11-21T19:07:00.000-08:00

Throughout the late 80's and early 90's duff mckagan's official nickname was the king of beers....wow...that nickname manages too supercedes fratdog-ness....this was before popped collars and kegs stands...this was a man wearing extremely tight leather pants....custom japanese converse hi-top weapons (with his name (duff) emblazoned on the tongue)....shirtless..heroin skinny..bass slung ridiculously low...mad tall...good looking....generally incoherent during interviews...leather gloves...the real fucking king of beers...not some overweight pike pledge in cargo shorts wearing like fucking slip on vans or something.....someone get me another fuckin tin please... a late call from san diego last night....from what I could decipher.... barnacle bill has teamed up with some sketchy yay dealer/ club promoter....they've been spending their time getting jacked up, watching AC/DC DVD's, and from what I can only assume shopping at Spencers gifts...bills been keeping shit live...very live.......alright...live blogging right now.....just had a discussion about the widespread nature of the knee drop.....the inventor...david weeks...this shit is blowing up beyond proportion....like cloverfield shit.....high school..... ...we all know it was initially performed by Petey at Tom's graduation party in 06....we need an exact date...why?....because at this point....at this rapid rate.. this pandemic is spreading....this date needs to become a new national holiday....the symbols of the holiday...the easter rabbit/santa claus have u.....a werewolve wearing kneepads and wearing a married with children (no M'aam) t-shirt.....ive been going to AA meetings with me dad on wed nights out of convenience...its court ordered..one a week for the next six months......ive had to surrender...no way to remain cool within these boundaries...burining books...or novels...who can diffrenciate.......ill never forgive sam after the way she treated me that weekend...when all i was trying to do was say goodbye to my bestfriend....i seriously got treated like courtney love....and forever willl be skeptical

just beyond the horizon

2008-11-14T19:35:00.000-08:00

My drug/alcohol induced downfall from the band Monument has since become a subject of local folklore. My incredible descent and subsequent breakup with Zander has been fictionalized and overplayed and whispered about...yet has also been extremely overdramatizied by me. Ive turned it into my own version of high school musical...where the songs are all sad....and the less ambitious, less attractive mess really got fucked over by Zac Effron...the more fluffy body losing in a superficial battle to Effron's indesputable rock-hard abs.....
Zander and I since our Anniston/Pitt breakup have since reconciled...and I dare to admit. again...we have become (almost) innseperable friends. Wow....looking at that in parenthatseis just makes me look all the more homosexual(sniffling about whose wronged me...make-up staining face...you know the deal)....so after some time hating each other...really hating each other...lots of negative comments...me locking myself in my trash shrewn bedroom in califon...crying..sniffling..reading mad magazine/back issues of hustler from the mid 90's...listening to "bliss"...my mom knocking on the door asking me "honey, is everything going to be ok"...me curtly responding "FUCK OFFF!....YOU DONT UNDERSTAND!"....not being able to look at those sick pool party photos without breaking into a catotonic fit of hysterics....i can dare say we are friends yet again...and even more than that...the timemachine is slowly evolving back to that cool, suave, long hair, skinny, carefree post-grad he once was...anyways...
last weekend I beasted out with Zander and once again felt the vitality of that beautiful summer of 06...I actually vainly attempted to compare my NYC resurrection to that of brett farve's performance against the patriots last night...the fallen former franchise player redeeming himself in the face of adversity...still a stud...still as talented as ever giving a big fuck you to all the haters...dropping mad knees in the process...strolling on the field as if he never left...showing everybody that skill and ability is something in-born...something thats difficult to out-grow...once you got it...droppin knees over the competition....its a real fucking difficult vibe to lose....
Zander in turn....after conversing tonight...in true Zander fashion... compared my performance to shaq on the suns...or more importantly to magic johnson post aids....once you've really blown it...no one wants to fuckin touch you..haha...thats why this relationship will never falter..beautiful...conflicting anolgies like that...Zander constantly hating...and me attempting to redeem myself in the face of that belligerant adversity..we will see.....im not a religous man...but i formally ask everyone to pray a hail mary for me in the coming months.......this ship is either going to right itself....or get capsized in a horrendous tsunami of awesomeness.....weak become heroes...i think mike skinner has taught us all well.....

count vampire weekend

2008-11-12T13:51:00.001-08:00

I think I officially have mouth cancer...my bedroom is littered with dip bottles and thousands of empty cans...theres dip stains all over my bed from indulging in the habit just before sleep....its really grossing me out/scaring me..I have a constant nagging pain at my gumline...Ive been studying like a beast for my lsats..which has only amplified my nicotine addiction...spending mad hours at the library...just walked into the library bathroom and there was a dad changing his sons diaper on one of those changing stations that I've literally never seen anyone use...really grossed me out/infuriated me...just do that shit in the car...jesus...I voted for Barack Obama..but the whole Obama fever has also been upsetting...I dont really know why...i think its lame though..kinda reminds me of the fever that erupted the country around 98 when Limp Bizkit dropped the Significant Other album..everyone wearing red baseball caps..moshing..buying seven string guitars..Obama fever reminds me of that......I went to hot topic the other day and bought a guns n roses shirt..Ive been listening to a lot of Huey lewis and the news...been getting into karaoke...gonna invest in an oversized black leather jacket...cheaply made...start wearing that shit to local karaoke gigs...with brown shoes...Ive been drinking alot of jagermeister lately...jager bombs to be specific...shit fucks you up...I dressed up like count vampire weekend for Halloween....raised mad hell...attempted to bite somebody at a club...got into a really pathetic/embarassing completely pointless fight afterwards....very typical of the vibe my costume was throwing out...felt really bad about it and teared up afterwards..crying on the streets of Philidelphia..tears causing my vampire make-up to run...my face a mess..dressed up in a bizarre preppy vampire costume..what a pathetic image..completely disgusted with my frat dog tendencies...god I can be a pussy sometimes...

beautiful duets

2008-11-12T13:42:00.000-08:00

phil colllins is cruel to animals....

back with more consistent updates.... stories and anticdotes when I get my act together

Moon Shoes

2008-10-23T13:45:00.003-07:00

Pharrel Williams just designed this chair...on display now at a Parisian Gallery....

I want to re-design it with a pair of extremely dirty, worn-in pair of these on the back legs...

And a pair of these on the front legs..

It would re-contexualize the concept and functionality of the pump...

slang editorial....explicit material

2008-10-21T19:42:00.000-07:00

This song is bangin...one of RZA's dopest beats....now I'm properly impressed after witnessing this video...nothing better than a Pauly Walnuts cameo..back in 98 no less....jesus..those glamour/surveillance shots of him in Capadonna's briefcase...black and white....him looking refreshed and handsome..how at the poker game he crudely demands that broad to "get the door,"...the way that soul sample really compliments his every move...

During this election season....it's time for some real DEMOCRACY

2008-10-16T19:56:00.000-07:00

thats fuckin right....finally a candidate we can all agree on....a candidate who perfers to show his support for America in the form of red, white and blue bicycle shorts..at long last Axl..Guns n Roses..13 years in the making...release date finally set for Chinese Democracy..November 25 2008...a day that will live in infamy...an album that I started getting pumped for around 1994...when Kurt Loder and MTV News was my go-to source for information...weve only got a month until it drops and let me assure you people...the party begins now...Im thinking about setting up tents outside Best Buy (the albums exclusive distributor) the week before its release...kinda like Star Wars Phantom Menace style...just really bring the mall parking lot a sunset strip circa 1988 vibe...we almost need to get the old crew from MTV News there to cover our Democracy party.....get John Norris out there...lots of catcalling....yelling at the top of our lungs...Charlie Manson T-shirts...inexplicably baggy Hockey Jerseys..High Top Converse...N.W.A caps...the dress code for any ladies looking to get involved is strictly high cut string bikinis accompanied by extremely high heels.there def need to be some OD's in the parking lot..paramedics on site...by the time were allowed in the store to purchase the album I wanna be in really rough shape....totally pull a Duff Mckagan and have my pancreas explode while inside the store....absolutely terrifing the other patrons attempting to buy laptops and cell-phones...me writhing on the floor in pain..sweating profusely...sobbing..wearing irrationally tight white demin pants and a budweiser mesh tank top.....with a copy of Chinese "fuckin" Democracy in my dirty, swollen, shaking hands.....

Tom Juan DeMarco

2008-10-16T03:46:00.000-07:00

even from a distant land Tom is still managing to be utterly sweet and gently woo his long-lost lady.....

Tom Schafer wrote at 10:48am
hey babe hope u had fun last night, i was a beligerent mess and lost my phone fml... miss you and good job being beautiful :)

the subtlety in that message...."good job being beautiful"...it really manages to insert his true feelings in what at first appears to be an off-hand remark...this guy sure know how to write wall messages...really takes my breath away...

I just sure hope she hasnt met any other guys....

I'll throw you down the fuckin stairs....

2008-10-14T18:24:00.001-07:00

If you havent been physically threatened by this foreboding figure at least once in your life..then you truly havent lived....slicked back hair....armani sunglasses..unbelievably brash and offensive statements..eddie van halen two finger tapping guitar technique virtuoso....the man... the myth ...the legend...Brian

feed the animals

2008-10-10T20:59:00.000-07:00

who wants to challenge me now...hot pockets...jeremy Piven on David Letterman...listening to the streets...thinking aout finance....private schools...my eroding gum line...ive taken to sleeping in old tye-dye grateful dead t-shirts...getting pumped about Phish reunion Hampton colliseum 08........flew to London on a plane...with a little pocket change I heard the club seen was insane.....pray to God that Kasai stumbles upon this....missed T.V on the radio tonight in philly...girl talk with the tan man in D.C.........The Woodglen....bed in the bag....wish someone would would hypnotize me so I could build a Timemachine...convince my parents in the past not to move to N.J...to the lighthouse my friends....reading Into Thin Air by John Krauker..just to fall asleep at night...think about avalanches...I'm afraid to read American Psycho...it sits by me bed....but whenever I pick it up I get severely depressed....i miss drinking vodka...on the morristown train...heading to Manhattan...to go to events....hosted by Guess Jeans...where Natasa Beddingfield plays a "set"....I'm learning how to play smells like teen spirit ona very old out of tune electric guitar...i take pictures of myself specifically catered to my myspace profile....in my bathroom...hand outstrecthed....giving my all for the camera...trying to look as sexy as possible....nothing compares...what you know about that...nothing compares...what you know about that...i was gettin some head....gettin gettin some head......

(yes...that is an unbelievably awesome picture of Uncle Howie)

Made in the shade

2008-10-07T12:24:00.000-07:00

My friend Jesse (the now infamous Goerhing from Hampton) informed me that instead of the pussy-ass healthquest gym shit ive been going to lately I should just join Jesse's Gym. Located in his mom's garage Jesse's gym doesn't boast a lot of equipment but it sure boasts alot of heart. This is a gym where it's not only encouraged but absolutely required to drink Yuengling Lager throughout the course of ones workout. Guests will be treated to a healthy dose of Warren Zevon and classic one-liners courtesy of the man from Hampton himself...ive thought about it...and im in....im gonna hit this gym like a wrecking ball..start bringing a darker way more shady element to the place..introduce Jesse and his clientele to the right kinds of supplements..attempt to work-out at really strange and bizarre hours...the place will be bursting with energy, passion and excitement...but not always on such a positive level...pretty soon the classic rock soundtrack starts fading into a constant stream of Zombie Nation....eventually Jesse will have no choice but to ask me to leave....

At 200 M.P.H.....you have no friends....

2008-10-02T13:48:00.001-07:00

Big Johnson Shirts just make me want to go to Seaside Heights...trash a hotel room....piss myself..wake up in a pair of extremely dirty reebok high tops...a really ill-fitting Larry Bird jersey... and Kansas City Chiefs Zuba's...with a massive tatoo on my back exclaiming, "Let the Ass Kicking Commence"...all done up in red white and blue....

Im def going to come back to this topic when I have a bit more time....

Timemachines Kitchen

2008-10-01T17:57:00.000-07:00

Im gonna apply for a job at Casola's (local Califon pizza spot) and immediately upon hire(hopefully in the kitchen) I'm gonna put on an a very fine French chef's coat, dye my hair bleach blond and get my Gordan Ramsay on....even though I know absolutely nothing about food or food preperation I'm gonna beligerantly bark orders and expletives at the kitchen staff, smacking full dishes out of their hands in utter disgust.... Constantly attempt to taste the chef's dishes and start gagging and puking as if absolutely repulsed by his incompetance.... Keep mentioning that they'll never achieve a Michelin star....Invite an extremely arrogant and condescending food critique to the restaurant just to hate on and demean the kitchen staff....Straight up yell and scream really offensive insults at the high-school waitresses for absolutely no reason....Just cause utter chaos and disorder in the restaurant....even if they dont hire me I'm still gonna attempt to do this..... what follows is my vibe when this goes down...........

i want his dance and i want to create my own from his....u know?

2008-09-27T01:22:00.000-07:00

I'm drinking really nice red wine at this point, wine i def didnt purchase.....

So....i had an absolute blowout at my crib tonight....toms going away party...viva san diego as it is..there were ex-high school wrestling champs here....dudes with legendary krums.....1,000 point scorers..... hollywood hopefuls...... asian chicks.... finance people....the list goes on and on........we all know how it goes.......

the thing thats been plauging me all week is the song "golden age" by tv on the radio

i cant get it out of my head

and my ex/on
girlfriend is prepping a dance to that song for me right now.....and shes a profesional dancer...in the meanest most depraved sense of the word... lets see how she does....im attempting to live blog right now.......

I give her C-

too innocent for my scene

Kneedropping is life....the rest is just details

2008-09-26T09:20:00.000-07:00

Good Form

Kneedropping...The Power chug...or the Beer Pose (whatever title you perfer to use)

The Wave is Spreading...Teach your friends about this powerful move

Muscleboy of the Week

2008-09-25T18:19:00.000-07:00

It's Sean Gannon....and it's fuckin party time..

those muscles were made to party...probably gonna be a salsa dance party because his bod is smoooookkkkkiiiinnnn.....look at that slightly grown out hair.....impecabbly held back by that head-band....probably an under armour headband...at least I hope its fuckin under armour....this guy likes to get in there and get his hands dirty...those board shorts...jesus....I known they've seen the likes of babes up and down the coast...beach parties...daquiries..lifting weights on the beach...broads wearing bikinis with high heels..this is what the Ganimal is all about...I would love to just get up on his freshly oiled shoulders and start doing U.S.A chants.....

The 1994 VMA's were awesome

2008-09-25T08:15:00.000-07:00

This is a picture of Snoop Dogg at the 1994 VMA's...the show when he put on that absolutely beast performance of "murder was the case". Murder charges were still pending for him...and he was brought onto stage in a wheelchair and performed with a full gospel choir and coffin on stage. Above the coffin was a huge light up crucifix (def something Justice copped 13 years later) The dude who wheeled him out was like 6'5, well built, and was wearing an extremely baggy, heavy flannel shirt and walking with really legit swagger. I was 10 at the time and remember watching it live thinking it was the coolest thing I'd ever seen. Snoop absolutely kills it....and ends the performance proclaiming his innocence. This picture is hillarious because it makes Vincent Gallo look like such a ridiculous pussy...like desperately attempting to get into a shot with this total beast....Snoop not even acknowledging him...Gallo trying to look hard in his v-neck and brown corduroy blazer...haha...just look at and analyze his outfit as opposed to Snoop Dogg's... he did get sucked off by Chloe Sevigny in the Brown Bunny though....gotta give him love for that...

bring me that bliss

2008-09-24T08:30:00.000-07:00

newest hot shit from the one...the only...Zander Bleck...this video signifies the beginning of a lot of hot shit to come...new single already getting some airplay in the U.K...my favorite aspect of this clip are the bewildering shots of him in a chef's outfit commanding a kitchen staff and the shot where his back is to the camera and he appears to be performing some kind of task wearing a facemask and brandishing a sodering iron

Do you think if house music was around in the 30's World War II would have ever happened?

2008-09-24T08:05:00.000-07:00

This is surveillance footage taken at Wichita Airport of the new Bruno film which comes out in May.....first off that dance..wow..it makes me feel really uncomfortable...second off Sacha Baron Cohen's hair and outfit..it like an incredibly gay take on a stewardness uniform...meanwhile his hair looks alot like the Jonathan Taylor Thomas cut so popular in the mid 90's...I really..really wish there was sound involved in this...

Is is it still trickin if you got it?

2008-09-23T18:24:00.000-07:00

Amongst the inexplicable mid-song trucker horns and indecipherable between song banter.... I bring to you the Hot 97 Morning Show Question of the day......

Is it still tricking if you got it?

Is this some kind of Halloween reference?...After pondering this question all day..ferociously pining away over Lil Wayne lyrics....asking numerous people what "tricking" means and all and all being thoroughly perplexed I stumbled upon a hip-hop message board that dealt specifically with this question...hopefully it will help clear things up.....what follows are some of the best posts....

"Yall know Weezy said this line.If u got the dough is it still tricking?I say HELL YEA its still tricking nigga. If u got it or not u still tricking. what yall think?"

"HELL YEA! You can't trick if you AIN'T got it... wtf is he talkin bout?That's like saying "It ain't gay if you fu*king HIM" lol... If you weren't fu*king him, it wouldn't be gay"

"yes it is trickin if you have to pay like you weigh obviously your game is on level zeron n its time for you to step it up"

"u like a bi*ch wit no ass......u aint got sh*t"

"Id rather beat my d*ck than trick, and is she dont suck then we dont fu*k"

"i see by his tv show he trickin on his wife.. if you got it why not niggas trick on the homies buying dro, henny amd sh*t ..whats wrong wit buy a chick a shirt... bx niggas get no pus*y i see"

oh....alright....pretty much all cleared up now...

I used to be attractive when....WHEN I PLAYED SOCCER!...(other people are working on their bodies as well).....Spencer...u fail yet again......

2008-09-20T09:01:00.000-07:00

dangerous daves 2.0 has hired a personal trainer....not satisfied with his body...wants to work those abs out....wants to get those legs in shape...is serious about changing his diet....wants to start counting carbs....away from Tom...... no temptaion of Millers Pizza's......i can only imagine.....alll i can say is when im in the gym and witness a personal trainer...i get seriously pissed off...personal trainers.....fuckin personal trainers...i can only hope that Daves trainer is some super buff dude...whos like 40 whos really "hands on"........why not just take some books out of the library about muscle ressistance.....why not get a prescription to Mens Health....why not give Hollywood Tans a ring....PERSONAL TRAINER.......haha embarassing and unbelievably laughable.....he's in San Diego now but I'm sure he's been eating like alot of Subway.....those lo-carb subs......counting carbs....stepping on scales....looking at himself in the mirror...he's without a doubt bought a couple pair of Oakleys..........taking beach jogs blasting Earth to Andy on his IPOD....getting really pumped up..........seeing RESULTS....in my head right now I just see this Dangerous Dave 2.0 montage....Rocky 3 esque...Werewolves from London blazing.......him working out...barnacle bill holding his feet while he's attempting sit-ups.. giving him motivational speeches with his arm in a sling........

Weak Become Heroes

2008-09-13T00:53:00.000-07:00

......listening to the new streets album...Everything is Borrowed....illl...looks like geezers raving...sounds like ministry of sound....and more importantly the after/morning party....sounds like sketching out matt stempeck with shady left-over aluminum foil....sounds like matt zawodny being a big pussy...sounds like the flop...long distance in boxer shorts.....selling amps...smashing glass bus stops......mike moraz....tony troeze and big ass cardboard boxes..sounds like dressing up like wizzards playing at cornerstone.....the spot in the back of WMUC where the camera wouldnt pick up.....stealing mad cd's....coming back at 6am to kazoo raging to grimy facefuck porn listening to dirty south hip-hop (long before he got super into "electro")....watching beavis and butthead at 6 a.m conjuring brilliant reality t.v programming....raging at the crack mansion to Arctic Monkeys....girls thouroughly sketched....the morning kazoo reappeared at 8 a.m morning before the tailgate....the legendary bender that followed....sounds like having the greatest night of all time in Spain....beasting out till you lose your wallet....d-rock and his fucking computer clips...shotgunning beers in the bathroom of the Kennedy Center before the Polyphonic Spree show.....when Andy Owen showed us the light.....those drums in the basement.....the first day Kazoo saw me on the circuit wearing a yellow striped, baggy, old navy shirt, and presumably baggy khaki pant and I'm assuming asics running shoes,.Sounds like Kazoo and his fuckin lunchtime cocktails....that fuckin laugh....going to that WMUC party in suits...wearing our Delt shirts to the studio..that herb with the glasses not feelin it...when Garren attempted to take over the show and play bluegrass...haha.... going to the 7th floor of Mckelldin to get our study on.....its goes on and on...what a time what a fuckin time....we need to reconnect my dear friends......reconnect asap.....

"my lifes been up and down since I walked from that crowd"

-Mike Skinner

cowboys ? like dallas cowboys ? really bro ? like really bro ?

2008-09-11T18:40:00.000-07:00

The following is an online facebook wall exchange between my friend tom and a female companion. Its transcribed word for word and so unbelievable herb....like it goes beyond herb. It's very jersey in its essence..he uses the term "cutie,"....and also embarassingly attempts to woo a girl through their common "love" of football......

This unbelievably awkward and upsetting piece of correspondence goes as follows...

Tom - "haha yes!, i had a really great time swimming by myself :) another crazy time asap cutie"

Girl- "The link below is a pic of Tony Homo at the Fun Fearless Male awards. Look what a fagot he is...he's trying to make pouty lips. I bet Jessica taught him that, the next thing we'll know he'll have botox lip injections! "

Tom- "ohhh silly girl apparantly you got lost and found yourself in a discussion involving football, im sorry about that........heres something you should be focusing your attention on!" (what followed was an incredibly wack flirty picture)

Girl- "hahaha you're so naive boyyy, apparantly you got lost and found yourself in an argument with me. and NOBODY puts me in the kitchen. here's something YOU should be focusing your attention on..." (what followed was an incredibly wack picture of a Giants super bowl ring)

Tom- "hahaha i hate youuu"

Jesus I wish we still has the radio show for bits like this........

what have i become...my sweetest friend

2008-09-11T10:59:00.000-07:00

jesus....seriously what the hell is happening to Kanye West....he's looks like some incredibly gay Italian nerd from the 80's....actually i dont even know....this look is indescribable... and I with out a doubt approve....I really hope this look carries over to the "backpacker" hip-hop community.....actually he looks alot like James Spader character in the film Mannequin....yesssssss

whiskey, women, dice

2008-09-11T08:32:00.000-07:00

I love this picture. Just bask in the bizarre mix of home-made t-shirts emblazoned with direct hard-drug references, bizzare costumes, inappropriate sunglasses, a button down shirt with the collar popped drawn onto a plain white t, nike shorts, extremely poor basement lighting, headbands, smiles and rough new jersey posturing, black running shoes worn with black socks, cut-off tight under armor t-shirts, dudes with nicknames like Beer-tanker and Hollywood Phil. This was taken right before a case-race in February 2005 and it was obviously fuckin gametime.. -god help us all....

American Boys

2008-09-10T18:55:00.000-07:00

After a month off, being a total derelict, lying on beaches, dropping knees and giving serious woodglens....im back and ready to start utilizing this page again....All I can say about Costa Rica can be summed up in a video found on this blog http://www.postskunk.blogspot.com/ entitled "American Boys in Costa Rica"....the trip was kind of like a non-sanctioned Real World/Road Rules challenge where all bets and shirts were off. Hollywood Tans assumed the role of T.J Lavin and Killa Kos def got his C.T on. There were no silly summer camp games and triple the amount of debauchery....back with more posts tommorow....I need to collect my thoughts....

The work Family Connection

2008-08-02T01:50:00.000-07:00

real nice Tom....real nice

2008-07-31T18:49:00.000-07:00

"you are the best dancer i know!!!!!!!!!! "

"u gonna be around this weekend my favorite dancer?"

"you were a dancing machine last night... and i loved it"

I cant even imagine the unbelievably pathetic... "zany,"....big smile on face.....so drunk im "cutting loose" on the dancefloor.....trying to be the "life of the party".......vibe that these facebook comments inspired...pretty embarassing Tom

Ladies and Gentleman....we are floating in space....

2008-07-31T17:48:00.000-07:00

Tuesday Night....my girlfriend surprised me with tickets to see Spiritualized at the T.L.A in Philly. .....drinking shots of jager and 16 oz tall boys of pabst blue ribbon before show...started flexing my muscles a little bit..went to show stumbling....got it together....spiritualized killed it....absolutely killed it.....gospel singers...j. spacemen rocking liam gallagher shades....matching white outfits...the people standing around me getting agitated because I kept staggering into them and spilling beer all over....pure sonic cum shot...all over the place...messy and fufilling and beautiful....after the show we went back to the bar and were sitting at an outside table when all of a sudden Spiritualized (Jason Pierce and about most other members of the touring band) show up and proceeds to sit down right next to us...one thing led to another....and before long we were full fledged chilling with the Spaceman....talking about Harmony Korinne, American Blues music, and the lyrics to "Home of the Brave,"....without a doubt the coolest dude Ive ever met.... ridiculously down to earth and really feeling our vibe...heroin skinny...amazing hair and accent..he was acting as if hanging out with my beligerant ass was a pleasure and not some annoying nuisance...and was really candid and open with us about his music and back-story...the dude is an absolute beast...and really funny and witty.... his illest quote of the night goes as follow.....

Chelsea- "Hey Jason do you smoke?"(offering him a cig)

Spaceman- "No sweetheart. I need to save my lungs for all the drugs I like." (said in ridic thick British accent)

we ended up leaving around 3 a.m after spending a solid two hours vibing with these ridiculously cool guys....thanks Jason and friends..you officially made my summer...Chelsea got the Spaceman's email address so hopefully we'll party again someday...

Hollywood Tans Will Save You

2008-07-24T12:18:00.000-07:00

Today I saw this character on a mountain bike riding down main street in Clinton. He was shirtless, helmet-less, had eminem style bleached blonde hair and was rocking oval john lennon-esque sunglasses. As he approached his upper body appeared both puny and infantile. Upon closer inspection I observed a barbed wire tattoo wrapped around his left bicep. I wanted to sit him down....give him a talk. Teach him about protein shakes and power chugs....teach him about supplements....give him a back-rub and tell him that steroids can be OK if used properly..show him what a real cycle is all about...set him up with a regiment and buy him the latest issue of Men's Health...get him one of those notebooks to carry around the gym...fucking record his progress and shit....give him Hollywood Tan's phone number and tell him that there's people he can talk to...they just need to be the right kind of people....I wanted to break his fucking sunglasses on the concrete and set him up with a proper pair of Oakleys...shave that bleached hair into a sturdy mohawk (Wes from the Road Rules/Real World Challenge style)....the kid needed guidance...but instead I just let him ride on by...

2008-07-17T18:10:00.000-07:00

hello midnight....mr. john langners band....i wanted to hate them at first....but really when it came blow for blow....just couldn't....they just recorded an e.p with muscle matt and wildman o.p in the now legendary shooting gallery studio's......had some very desperate, wild nights with these characters....at one point i was more or less sure that Langer and I would end up together....anyways....it sounds like Arctic Monkeys, Doherty + Barat circa 2002, footloose, dallas mdma circa 1982, AVP2 (alien versus predator 2), johnny noodle, and the beligerent meanderings of liam gallagher all having an enormous party together.....check them out at www.myspace.com/hellomidnightmusic ....post some comments with feedback

also the infamous shooting galllery can be tracked down at www.myspace.com/shootinggallerystudios ..located in the heart of williamsburg....its the spot to lay your shit down

ask em like...who young leak be?

2008-07-17T14:29:00.000-07:00

Ive watched two films this past week that have featured characters from the wire.... more importantly two of the grimiest characters from the show....Omar (Michael K. Williams in Gone Baby Gone) and Chris (Gbenga Akinnagbe in The Savages).... its really disconcerting because while viewing the wire you entirely forget that these are real actors and not extremely hard people from the streets. ...Gbenga Akinnagbe actually was discovered by the producers while doing Shakespeare in the Park.....its almost laughable when considering his role on The Wire...I just can't wait until they cast Snoop in a romantic comedy opposite Matthew Broderick

You remember...that really heartfelt dance scene in Stepmom...

2008-07-16T12:13:00.000-07:00

im in the library right now.....
one of the new summer employees....
obviously some high school broad.. short really sloppily cut hairdo....jean capri pants....huge care-free silly smile on her face...is rolling around returning books with these huge unwieldy headphones on...circa 98 shit...dancing around in a completely childish way as she shelves books..very reminiscent of the dance that susan sarandon and her daughter do in the film stepmom...when susan and her daughter are singing into their hairbrushes blasting "say a little prayer for you,"...a scene you have to remember if you've ever watched the film.. ..i can only imagine what this broad is listening too right now... currently I'm pumping prodigy's "return of the mac"....this tune when combined with the image of a young girl doing a "silly" dance in a public library in rural New Jersey paints a pretty interesting scene....

sample lyric

"a rusty gun, but the shit still spit
rubber bands on the handle: that New York grip"

rubber bands on the handle of a fucking rusty old ass gun that still operates..put to use only in extremely violent scenarios...wow....this dude needs to get way more airplay

She warned me about you guys...but i just didnt listen!!!

2008-07-15T14:12:00.000-07:00

my friend tim has this "salvation tattoo"...in caligraphy.....on his wrist no less...he also like's to rock camo in a ridiculous pathetic attempt to look edgy.... the last time i saw him was over a month ago after he had a massive breakdown as a direct result of "pool party 08."....pool party 08 was one of the most legendary pool parties in jersey shore history....it involved the following elements: grown men pissing themselves while standing, fully concious in broad daylight, purely done to elicit responses of horror from the fellow patrons of the pool, lesbians with killer staten island accents, white zombie cut-off work-shirts, dangerous dave 2.0 dumping one of those obscenely large fish-bowl tiki drinks over his head in a crowded bar, enormously sketchy bathroom liasons, fireworks, facepaint, midnight tears, morning tears, and most importantly pool party 08 was followed by Reggae Sunday....

Tim...its been a month....I think it's time to come back around

marty..you know what we got here....motherfucking charlie bronson

2008-07-15T13:39:00.000-07:00

my head has been throbbing for the past two days.....no longer in possession of half my wardrobe/guitar.....developed a new fashion craze (kinda a variation on last summers heasdress).....celebrated kerri kings birthday......celebrated dangerous daves birthday.....caught up with john langner who I have not seen in a year..caught up with phil maffei who i havent seen in two years.....did some serious lowbrowing on dangerous dave 2.0....taught an entire sunday brunch crew what knee-dropping is.....inspired some knee dropping from said brunch patrons......drank about 10 screwdrivers in an hour during this brunch....got seriously nuts summer 06 style with zander....got serious monument fever....got serious lion on oil fever...got down on some gary oldman vibes with muscle matt...all in all..... what an unbelievably beast weekend....

2008-07-11T14:09:00.001-07:00

this afternoon while trimming my khrom hair in the shower I came brutally close to giving myself a vasectomy.....millimeters away...my testes satchel was slightly cut...after it happened I fell against the wall of my shower, frightened and exaspperated....it was close.......on a lighter note I plan on wearing this allen iverson georgetown jersey and matching short all weekend...i recently found them in my closet. i bought the matching sport suit in 5th grade and it was really baggy on me then (as was the style) but now its just mad tight and looks really unsettling on me.....should be interesting

Home of the Brave

2008-07-11T06:44:00.001-07:00

After my DUI arrest I started attending AA meetings daily. After about 6 weeks I started getting this insatiable hunger again. I was sick of the bullshit and most of all missed my friends. I just could'nt relate to the Alcoholics living in my area. In my 6 weeks of going every single day I didn't make a single friend. Too much Carhart, Aeropostale, loose-fitting denim, wack tatoo's etc....etc... I know this is superficial but I think I'm warranted in this stance because when walking into these meetings I would be greeted with extremely negative vibes purely based on my attire. "Fag!!!....look at that fag in those womens loafers...with socks no less!!" "....look at the fit of those cut-off jean shorts....who would have the audacity to wear those in November...".. These thoughts about my fashion sense were also attached to their mentality regarding my problem. Because of my dress I could'nt have been a "true alcoholic..."...one of them... one whose life has truely been put through the ringer as a direct result of alcohol....little did these whiskey tango bitches know....anyways.... this leads to the story of my final AA meeting......

It was a Thursday night.....at the local church by my old High School....I generally enjoyed this meeting because it was so close to my house. As I rolled up the parking lot was littered with assorted vehicles. Defiently a large crowd was asembling tonight, a sketchily large crowd for Thursdays. As I came to find out, an awards ceremony was taking place. One where people celebrating a date (generally 90 days, one year, or multiple years of sobriety) were presented a poker chip commemorating their dilligence. They would then give a sappy speech thanking their sponsor/group, telling what a long journey its been, how their lifes have been saved etc...etc..The people celebrating a year or multiple years I could respect and take into account. But the 90 dayers were a bit more sketchy....something told me that they planned on doing a bit more celebrating with their old mates once this wack court-ordered bullshit was over. As I sat watching this my left contact lense started acting up on me. I had an eye-lash stuck between my lense and eye, and the pain soon became unbearable. I tryed to fix it with my left hand, but my peach-skoal, fiber glass infused finger tip just irritated my by now searing eye-ball even more. I soon started to tear up. Both eyes, started pouring tears, plus I had a cold, so by now it looked as if I was really shooken up by Jose's speech about how great he feels after not smoking crack for 90 days. People started to notice and the guy behind me started to gently massage my shoulder. I quickly got up and walked the length of the room and out the back door, but not before two guys chased me out, to reassure me that "I could get through this, and everything would be O.K." I was in such pain that I violently tore through their grasp, inaudibly excusing myself. Like some scorned woman who has lost all hope. It was such a pathetic exit that I cannot even imagine the trouble that these two guys thought I had gotten myself into. I drove home blasting the Libertines "up the bracket," while quietly chuckiling to my self.

no locks on the door

2008-07-10T12:19:00.000-07:00

"thats not nice of you to try to break my phone Spencer"

"...well its not nice of you to take pictures of me in the shower, Dave!!!"

Spencer Haiku

Scared in the shower

I saw a smile creeping

Pictures speak volumes

The Ever-Evolving Pokemon Trade

2008-07-10T11:17:00.000-07:00

A Great Piece Of Correspondence With My Pal Barry.....

"hey it's barry... i sold my first piece of dog fighting training equipment the other day, actually for real... a treadmill to this dude to get his dogs in shape..."

"yo barry...just talked to jerry...those pool chemicals are on back order....and that guy with the harry potter shirts is not returning my fuckin calls.....we gotta get in touch with that guy who has the karoke machine....he'll know what to do....get at me"

"yeah. fucking jerry man... guy keeps telling me the pokemon cards will be in tomorrow, and i don't have time for fucking games... i got kids waiting outside my house every morning for these fucking things... fucking 1,300 razor scooters on back order, some bullshit. anyway, you want that good karoke shit, you gotta talk to lil' mikey out on fucking Bloomfield ave. got all types of holograms and 3D shit..."

The Jogger

2008-07-10T10:52:00.000-07:00

Today I got my jog on…. really beautiful day, about 70 degrees. Califon’s known for its fly-fishing so along the river were parked rows of trucks, motorcycles, bikes and scooters. These people were in town to fly-fish. Maybe catch a nice trout for supper. They had all their equipment strewn out on the shore. Lots of rusty trinkets, dirty buckets and rubber waist high boots. I’ve been working on my body a lot lately. Trying to explore it deeper. Trying to get “in shape”….. working on a tan, going tanning, looking at myself in the mirror, flexing my arms in the mirror, getting colored contact lenses, cutting my hair short….reading men’s health….taking books out of the library about nutrition, cutting the legs off all my pants and turning them into shorts. I was listening to my ipod as I jogged passed the fisherman and their wives. I was wearing a turquise under-armor top and bottoms. I was listening to the new Moby album on my silver ipod. A song with a lot of synths, early 90’s rave beats and female vocals blaring…. im sure loud enough to be heard outside my headphones. A woman in tight very light denim jeans and a blue and white flannel top was milling about in the road as I approached. She was very overweight and looked confused. Looked like she had just traveled from Xenia, Ohio. As I passed I gave her an awkward little wave, no doubt inspired by the upbeat vibe Moby was throwing down on me. At this point she looked pissed and turned to say something to her husband who was waist-deep in the stream still fishing. I’m not sure what she said, but I know she defiantly noticed my glossy tan and blossoming physique.