im back motherfuckers.....(Abbey I know why you hate me?)

So ive been mad busy this summer...mad busy....in an alternate route teaching program in Newark..really dont want to get into this because its very boring and lame....pretty much just want to set up the fact that ive been working very hard during the week...and as such been going extremely hard on the weekends...almost too hard....hard enough to the fact that i'm pretty much no longer invited to any parties in hunterdon county anymore because of the completely disrespectful and beligerent antics ive displayed this summer (i stress this is not an exageration) inside im actually kind of hurting because of this and "the tinman" feels terible, but...because this is the party dolphin im going to attempt to make light of it...oh and im also going to start making the outrageous claim that im no longer invited to parties in hunterdon county because im no longer considered "cool" and everyone in this area is in a "clique" that ive yet to establish myself in......so anyways in an attempt to re-establish this blog....and as i have not written since june...i give you the top five most despicable/incorrigible/regrettable incidents of summer 09.....

1) Third weekend in June: end of Miami trip with my buddies....everyones left....its just Hollywood Tans and I in the hotel room....we beasted out all day (hollywood tans appropriately partied...I was blacked out by 6 p.m)....he wakes me up at 4 am because we have to make flights...ive of course pissed myself and dont remember anything...literally the past fives days are a complete haze in my head....as he's packing I stumble into the bathroom and start chugging plastic bottles of bacardi mojito's while simeltaneously puking into the toilet...as he glances at me with a look of utter concern....i gaze back at him and smile and say "dude I just trying to feel normal"........

2) I'm in the city partying with dangerous dave....get absolutely blacked out and find myself in a dark club making out with a super fly chick with massive boobs....obviously make a wrong move and this courtship promptly ends...I quickly get into a cab and demand the cab driver take me back to "dangerous dave's" he doesnt know what I'm talking about....and asks for a specific address....i get upset and call him a racial epithet that will not be repeated...he pulls the cab over and proceeds to open his door and get out on the street...I open my door while yelling the phrase "OHHH...its on son" as I step out of the car he proceeds to throw an extremely aggressive punch right into my grill and knock me completely unconcious.....i had a terrible black eye for a week and had to consistently tell my summer schhol students at Central High in newark all week that I was "elbowed" in a basketball game...they didn't buy it....

3) I go to All Points West with two friends from my TeacherNex crew.....drink an insane amount of Vodka before the show....shit gets hazy and my friend Alise finds me two hours later completely naked (aside for black man panties) dancing frenetically in front of the stage during Vampire Weekends set. When she asks me where my clothes are (including my prized dc. marten boots) I tell her that I gave them to flying lotus (beast L.A dj) backstage. I then proceed to try to make out with numerous girls around me who aggresively push me away their faces blazing with complete disgust.....I eventually get back to my friends spot...wake up start drinking and then proceed to go to a party back in jersey celebrating two of my friends wedding (which had taken place earlier in the summer in Mexico). By the time I get there I'm so mashed I pass out in a childrens ball pitt, piss myself, and am a complete embarassment in front of grown-ups and children alike....(jenna I'm so sorry....I really plan on replacing that ball-pit)

4) Fourth of July Weekend.....party at Michelles house....go with my buddies after two solid days of boozing....at first am seriously holding it together...having a really nice time....talking to a broad from high school who I've had a crush on for years...it was going so smoothly that I really thought that I had a chance of hooking up with her (as did all my bros hanging out)...then...out of nowhere I decided to drop a knee with a half liter of grey goose vodka...after that i dont remember anything...from what I hear....i was walking around completely naked in front of new party arrivals who had never met me and were unaware of my dangerous antics...i wrestled naked with my friend petey and while he had me pinned in a Boston Crab maneuvor I pissed all over him...and I ended up passed out completely naked in Michelles pool house bathrrom...this happened so early that I arose fresh and ready to go around 4 and at time me petey and clinton terrorized Michelles house for hours searching for Blake...beacuse "he had it coming to him"

5) Cape May two weekends ago...having a nice family weekend...both my brothers were in town...my aunt and cousins were staying down the street...started drinking with my bro's early...had a great barbeque at my house...around 10p.m me and the tanman called for a cab to take us to the bars of cape may...the tanman had some broads who he had to settle the score with from college....already mashed and having a great time we went to the ugly mug (cape may hotspot) and met up with these young, blond, fashionistas. I remember throwing my card down and saying "fuck it...its shooters night" after that just picture in your head a montage of absolute debauchery in slow motion with the Nine Inch Nails version of "Hurt" playing in the background....it goes with out saying I blacked out completely...the tanman made it back to my beach house at 4 a.m and was incoherent...when my mom woke up and asked where I was he had no response....needless to say both my parents went on a latenight manhunt trying to track me down....my dad eventually found me at 6 am on cape may point beach...blacked out...jeans soaking with piss...he looked me in the eyes and said "Patrick, you really have a problem"...to which I replied, "Dad, getting laid on the beach is not a problem"

Again...let me stress that I'm trying to infuse humour into these extremely dark situations that have happened this summer...none of this was really funny....and i really feel absolutely terrible about each and everyone of these events.....i guess this is a cathartic attempt to explain to everyone why I have not been posting this summer....i just accepted a job as a fourth grade teacher at a high school in Newark and have been going to AA meeting on the reg...although I can say it was a great summer..I can also say it's one that I'm not proud of....don't get worried...the party dolphin is back and as focused as ever...just wanted to make a humourous and exaggerated attempt at explaining myself....

Dude....hooking up with chicks is sooooooo gay!

By this point we had established one fundamental rule for the trip: hooking up with girls was not only discouraged, it was absolutely frowned upon. We had come to this essential decree after about three days of vacation with not a single girl interaction. This can be blamed entirely on the fact that we were all unconciously drunk by 8pm (editors note..this fact stands way more true for the author of this piece than the other participants in the trip). So there we were at the Century Hotel, four o' clock in the morning, waiting for the arrival of Creatine Cliff and Hollywood Tans, two of the more hunky and sexually deceitful members of our crew. Rumour has it that they were last seen leaving the bar with two large-chested German exchange students. Both girls were apparently both wearing the all-telling 1980's irrestible spring break get-up; pink high-cut bikini's with high heels. "This is fucking bullshit" I say while frenetically rubbing tanning oil all over my incredible sun burnt chest, "put some Zander on I need to chill out." "I knew they were gay....but never this gay," Peter exclaimed while marching around the room arching his back and doing the Randy the Ram elbow tap. About an hour later Creatine Cliff and Hollywood Tans entered the room. Both of their faces covered in what looked like Indian war-paint fashioned out of a red substance that appeared to be blood. They were both passing a bottle of ripped fuel back and forth taking turns chugging vigourously. They explained that they had gone skinning dipping with these girls but that "nothing had really happened." "Good!," Bill Bailey shouted aggresivvely from across the room, while Jay intoned, "you guys got seriously lucky." Later in the trip our paience was really tested when Hollywood Tans and I were awoken to Tom and his girlfriend Sam having rigourous sex in the bed next to us. They did'nt stop even after I turned around and propped up on one elbow too watch. Tom just gave me the middle finger and Sam exclaimed in a gruff voice go back to bed pussy. I was kept awake until about 6am to the rough and loud sounds of skin slapping skin....and the sound of Tom's pillow-muffled tears after he had apparently climaxed.

summer 09

you know your situation has grown dire when it's 3 am on a saturday night...youve spent the last three hours drinking gin and tonics by yourself reading "generation kill" and listening to "walk" by Pantera over and over again on your ipod. You take the massive mound of dip out of your mouth because your gums have begun to bleed and walk furtively into your bathroom and stare contemplatively into a mirror at your naked body remarking in an extremely loud voice "damn my penis has gotten bigger since last year"...after a more careful inspection you say in a somewhat disapointed yet entirely shady whisper "we'll if not since last year than at least since 1995," Kid Rock's 1999 classic "bawitaba" booms at seriously inappropriate volume levels in the background while you slup back into your bedroom naked and entirely ashamed.

Game-Day

On a beautiful Sunday morning last summer...on the tail-end of an absolutely horrendous bender my friend Tom "under armour" schafer showed his true colors...the night before i had gotten into an altercation with a middle aged man who became infuriated after I started seductively pointing towards and making explicit pelvic thrusts at his wife from across the bar...while being ushered out its been established that I said something along the lines of "so what are you going to do about it George Costenza.." a reference to his balding middle-aged appearance...I woke up the next morning on a floor in Tom's girlfriends bedroom...no shirt...no underwear... wearing a pair of abercrombie khaki's that had absolutely terrible grass stains all over the knees...the pants were unbuttoned and the fly was down...i was sleeping on my back and upon waking I realized that my entire khrom was exposed...as i was getting myself together i was greeted by nervous whispered dialouge coming from the bed next to me...Tom and his girlfriend were waking up...their hushed discussion made me feel very anxious ...they clearly had'nt found my behavior the night before funny..they were uneasy about my antics...Tom slipped on his over-sized blue New York Giants Jersey over top of a red skin-tight long sleeved under armour shirt as he walked me into the kitchen..over the under-armour underneath the jersey he was wearing those long inexplicable arm-sleeves that Labron James and Allan Iverson wear on the court..the outfit was topped off with a blue Giants visor....i believe his intention was to have a "talk" with me...an absolutely herb lecture was obviously being cooked up in his head..I'm pretty sure he was about to say something along the lines of

"hey man....you really should think about maybe taking one of these weekends off"..this isnt really funny anymore"...

before he could speak...still shirtless...grass-stained khaki's hanging loose off my incredibly tanned physique..i threw open the refrigerator door and quickly grasped a coors light..i immediately dropped to my knee...my left arm shot up in the air..I was ready to tackle my hangover the best way I knew how..but before i could drink Tom grabbed my arm and forcibly brought me back up to a standing position..as he pulled me up I could feel that his arm was trembling...his eyes were watery...he looked like he needed a hug...in a quivering almost high pitched voice Tom explained (while staring at the floor) that I had really "sketched" "the girls" out last night"...and pretty much explained to me that I was never allowed back at his girlfriends apartment...he took the beer from hand and put it back in the fridge while explaining that "the beer (consisting of a mere twelve pack)" was for the Giants pre-season game that he and his girlfriend were attending that after-noon...and that it was really special because he had surprised her with tickets.. they were going to wait around in the parking lot after the game and hopefully get eli manning to sign their under-armour...i gathered my shit and marched out...disgusted and dismayed...i have since not been back to his girlfriends apartment

Staring at the Sun

...im shirtless...with like a mind-bendingly bad sunburn...peeling..the kind of sunburn thats marked by extreme negligence and generally acquired only by someone who really does a poor job at taking care of themselves..like the kind of burn that really white, really out of shape, really obnoxious guy on your cancun spring break trip during the summer of 1994 got during his first couple of days in Mexico...you remember the guy..who always wore that all white Kentucky Wildcats baseball cap..the kid with the alcohol allergy who would turn bright red whenever he got wasted but still kept pushing through...remember him....that last night of the trip he drank too many hurricanes and cornered you in the hotel bathroom and while slurring his speech and audibly breathing asked you in a painful whisper..."hey...how big are you..."?

Right now im wearing my kansas city chief's zubas...their pretty badly stained with dip spit and other mysterious debris accumulated throughout the course of memorial day weekend...im rocking my extradoinarily dirty...worn in...once-white....reebok pumps...im currently involved in a high stakes tanning competition with Hollywood Tans...being at the beach, i figured this weekend would be a great opportunity to "up the ante"...presumably i ended up going way overboard and am currently dealing with some intense pain...im kind of coming to the conclusion that I'm taking this competition way too seriously...it's gonna be tough to beat the tanman and his constantly golden sheen...i really did myself in on Sunday...which it being a bit over-cast i realized the only way i was going to make any true progress was by hitting the North Cape May tanning saloon...quite possibly one of the shadiest tanning establishments i've ever been too....instead of selling individualized packets of tanning lotion they just had these huge communal 3 liter bottles of oil and for 3 dollars they would pour a big goop into your hands before entering the booth...the entire place was adorned with corona light and mikes hard lemonade cut-aways and in my booth there was a framed World Cup 1994 poster... miami sound machine's "dr. beat," was blasting through some really shitty speakers...lets just say that this was a terrible idea and im really suffering right now...many more blogs to come this week

The anatomy of a serious fucking blackout

so Hollywood Tans and I met up at my cousins wedding down the shore last weekend....i showed up to the coctail hour late after a crushing lacrosse defeat by the Hun school of Princeton....dejected and upset...i was clearly ready to party...the tanman greeted me in a finely tailored suit and a fashion mullet that closely resembled alot of the cuts that I remember seeing on la Rambla in Barcelona circa 2005..for the reception dinner we were seated a table with six other single under 30 females..these girls wore beautiful blue dresses...all hair dressers..all super-fly...it goes without saying.... shit was on...since i was late for the coctail hour...during dinner i attempted to "catch up"....the tanman and I just started raging doctor pepper shots throughout the meal...quietly yet emphatically moving from a sitting position to a knee....looks of heroic resolve on our grils as we knee-dropped shot after shot...all the while the sun was still up...we kept checking our watches...knowing that we had an awfully long night ahead of us...i remember the tanman trying to break the ice with the line, "yo so have you guys been watching the new real world/road rules challenge"....i remember being extremely proud....i remember going up to the dj and demanding that he play zombie nation and possibly some morrissey...i then remember that turning into me demanding the dj play a morrissy/zombie nation mash-up....i remember hollywood tans telling me how he has been banging the broad who works behind the desk at the tanning salon he frequents....i remember almost losing my mind with pride at that point....i also remember me and hollywood tans deciding that were going to have a tan-off....a competiton...to see who can get "tanner"....the competiton will be judged when we land in key west for a week long vacation at the end of june...we decided that were going all out...and were both prob gonna take 10 years off of our lives in the process...but god-damn..were gonna be fuckin tan...and ripped...we decided this vacation's gonna be all about body oil...and just chillin with our most ripped budddies...my last memory is being at the "after party" at yet another open bar...that i somehow managed to spend 120 bills at....i remember dropping knees...shirtless....non-chalantly dipping in front of all my relatives....the next thing i remember is waking up in my parents hotel room (the tanman and i had our own room)...sleeping on their couch in all my clothes...8 a.m....they were waking up planning to go get breakfast...they said nothing to me as they left the room and I quickly hustled back to the tanman's room....he also severely blacked out and also had no memory of the previous night...although he vaguely remembers a naked chick being in his bed...and he's fairly certain my mom came into the room (prob to drop me off) at one point and saw him in the act.......who knows...my parents still haven't said anything to me about the night.....and since they were'nt at the after-party I'm sure the events leading up to me somehow getting into their room are incredibly despicable...i talked to the tan-man last night on the phone and both of us are still terrified about talking to members of our extended family who were at the after-party...both of us horrified at the possibility of the problems we may have caused.....

heartbreaker....by metronomy...play this song while reading

my first experisence with Jayden James was nothing but fantastic..i was both hooked and infatuated immediately....it was me, solo, shorts already around my upper thighs..kleenex assembled in a perfectly go-to position..prob midnight on my computer..prob a wednesday ....late night...just me and a screen....i remember just witnessing this girl...face somewhat busted but a body that refused to quit...really threw out an incredibly slutty vibe....the set-up...she was "sun-bathing"....in an incredibly revealing pink bikini...this "nerd"...who p.s was incredibly endowed was camped out in the woods...j'ing his d while "spying" on her....she caught him... (of course...in accordance with what kind of film i was viewing)...she appeared to be incredibly pissed by this nerds flagrant act of voyeurism....and p.s this "nerd" was this 6'2 slovac dude, rock hard abs and a krum that hung down to the floor (his only nerdy attribute was a pair of black framed classes that you can witness firsthand by observing every somewhat self-concious white male in Williamsburg Brooklyn rocking at the bar on a lonely Satursay night). It's very telling and somewhat awesome (by my book) that what Brooklyn associates with being cool....L.A and the porn scene in general associates with being extremely nerdy. Anyways, in this film, Jayden calms down, and proceeds to have extremely grimy rough sex with this fellow. During the free 15 second clips that I've managed to download ...my fav parts have involved her receiving cunilungus...her jam (by jam i mean vagina) is magnificent.....and to anyone who consisently views pornography...its quite a "treat." To get back to why i deided to write this post in the first place....i watched MTV true life "i'm addicted to pornography" tonight. True life has been a program that I've held in extremely high esteem for years now.....i really find it both fascinating and fantastic....and tonight one of the featured characters in the program was my girl jayden( classily refered to as "meghan"...i guess her real name..throughout the program)....the cameras followed Jayden while at the 2009 AVN awards( Adult Video News). An awards show that Killa Kos and I have talked about going to since we were Frehman in High School. Jayden was up for the "best new starlett" award.....and was particularly anxious about her nomination because she was somehow convinced that winning the award would validate her career to her parents...the show really did a fantastic job (as True Life always seems to do) of portraying an extremely young, self concious, frantic 22 year old girl...who had clearly gotten into an industry whose practices were over her head....througout the episode you really began to see Jayden realizing that it wasn't spring break anymore....the dude who produced the girls gone wild films is in jail....and pauly shore is no longer on contract with senor frogs....it was really quite possibly one of the most moving True Lifes i've seen in memory...The rest of the episode was filled with fat dudes who really have porn addictions....like unbelievably out of shape( i.e..Spencer) dudes who are married to horrendous broads from the midwest..having to move out of their house just beacuse they can't get enough of Jenna Haze's box (i think at certain points in my life ive been there)..addicted to pornography because in all honesty what else is there...i could write another twenty pages about these "bros"...but after watching the episode i feel it's pretty self-explanatory...